Here we go again... again.

I don't know how I managed it but after I gave up on this blog/diet I managed to reach a new high of 210lbs.

Me at a friend's wedding in Autumn

The Dukan Diet

I am now on another new diet The Dukan Diet :D and i LOVE it! I have been on it for almost two weeks now and so far i have lost... 13 lbs!! I think it is the easiest diet that I have ever been on. I don't feel hungry and I'm not constantly thinking about food. It is so nice to see the weight go down on the scale almost every time i weigh myself.

The food is plain but healthy. Well, maybe not 100% healthy as the diet advises using artificial sweetener. The food is almost all whole, natural food. I feel great and have not suffered from any tiredness.

As for my life goal of become fluent in Irish... well I have made progress! I bought the Rosetta Stone Irish Package (500euro) and have been using it!

Facing up to reality... :/

No weigh in! :( There was way too much going on this past fortnight for me to be able to focus on my diet. That sounds like an excuse and it is one BUT there is some truth to it! It was my 23rd birthday!!! (Here are my birthday cards)

Well the dissertation has been trundling along, scratch that, it has not been trundling along at all, it all came to a head this week when I decided that I should repeat the year. It was getting ridiculous, I was missing deadline after deadline and not really caring about how far behind I was getting. Added to that is the fact that I missed every single deadline during the year too. This was my final year, I should have been busting a gut trying to get the best possible marks and instead... I avoided all the hard work and my friends and piled on the weight.

So, I had a meeting with a lady from the Arts faculty in the my University and she scared me (she was very nice but...)... she really did scare me. I thought that I could just officially de-register and then repeat, suffering through the extra year and the loss of €5,600. I was wrong, results are capped at 40% in a repeat year... that makes repeating POINTLESS. :( If I hadn't been depressed before hearing that I definitely was after!

That's right, I said depressed. It is true. It is so strange to say it on here, considering I have scoffed at the notion of me being depressed every time it was raised by my parents and sister over the past 18 months. They would ask and crying I would say no, vehemently! I would argue with them through tears and say "I'm just feeling a little down". I ignored it for as long as I could and I honestly never put two and two together; my apathy towards college and my feeling blue, seemed like separate issues to me. As did my inability to stick to any diet or even plan of action I came up with. It is amazing that I didn't see the connection, I pride myself on being a clever girl and yet the most obvious thing in the world escaped me.

When  I left the faculty lady's office, I was in bits. I had already arranged to meet with two of the lads from college for a coffee, this was a mistake... all I wanted to do was go somewhere private to cry. The lads were very little help, maybe it is because they are the sort of boys who are less than comfortable with emotional displays or maybe I just wasn't ready to talk. I wasn't overly emotional at that point but any proper conversation on the topic would have led it some outpouring.
I left fairly quickly and got the bus straight home, the No.8 never comes quickly but that day it did :) I arrived home and my sister and my dad were having coffee in the sunshine in the garden. I sat down with them because I knew I had no options. Dropping out of college (for the second time) means one is required to answer all sorts of questions you would normally find ways to avoid. I am excellent at being evasive but this time I had no choice. When my sister asked me tough questions I just had to answer... for the first time crying and just asking to be left alone didn't work. I had to fess' up.

They made me promise to go to the doctor the next day.

For once I didn't totally reject the idea. Talking to my sister made me realise that really this wasn't all bullshit. Feeling the way I had/have been feeling isn't the way I used to feel. Around 2006 I was like a totally different person, I was so much happier then. So I decided to go to see the doctor first thing on Thursday morning. I avoided all of the questions that they asked me at home about what I would say to the doctor. I am totally not comfortable talking about this stuff with my parents (or even my friends until now). But yesterday I was ready to let it all out.

So I went to see our family GP. He is an elderly man... I should have known that talking to him was a bad idea but I was afraid to back out. I thought that they would kill me at home for avoiding my responsibilities (AGAIN). So even though I was so nervous that I was literally pacing up and down in the waiting room, when he rang the bell for me to enter, I did.

I was so nervous though that I possibly didn't express myself very well. In any case, my doctor told me that everyone feels down every now and again and that I shouldn't worry too much about it, then he told me it was probably my HORMONES. What the fuck like! If a man is depressed and has the guts to admit it he gets a pat on the back when a woman does, it must be her fucking hormones. I wanted to slap him but instead I just cried harder. I left fairly quickly after that, after paying €50 for the privilege.
I cried all the way home but thankfully because of the sunshine I had sunglasses in my bag, so I could hide behind them. I got in the front door and had a fit of hyperventilating, tear-y snottiness.

I don't know what I am going to do next. That experience with the doctor really put me off getting help. I was ready to talk about it then but not really any more. I felt he just didn't take me seriously.

I met my two closest friends for lunch and after around three hours of chatting we got around to talking about me and I told them everything. They were so much more helpful than the stoopid doctor. They told me to cop on and stop being so hard on myself. I know I don't sound like I am being hard on myself here but in person (and with people who know me) I really am. I ignored it for so long because I think that this sort of problem comes from within and so it should be fixed from within too. I never would have gone to the doctor if the whole situation with the college hadn't forced my hand and now I wish I hadn't bothered.

This coffee is the shit! (Week 2)

Nespresso ... need I say more?

(NO, but I will)

Arrived home to a Nespresso machine today... even the thought of it makes my toes curl! Also had my weight watchers weigh-in and I'm still a looser! Total loss since beginning two weeks ago = 3.1kg (6.8lbs), just shy of a half a stone... Sweet! Thankfully its ridiculously easy, at this point I am starting to think it doesn't  even require will power... long may that continue!

I didn't get much work done on the dissertation today, surprise, surprise but look at what I did get... an action shot of the cat...

Thus, the day was not a total loss! :)

Oops!!

Diet is going well. Dissertation was officially begun today and an apologetic email was sent to my lecturer/supervisor. I wrote 2,500 words, not bad at all however it was the beginning of a new story I am writing and not at all academic! I am screwed, unless of course Fate wants me to flunk out in final year and become a writer instead??  Kismet??

The 2,500 words are very good though and the idea is promising... predictably it is post-apocalyptic and features a kick-ass lady. My kind of fiction, if I cannot find it to read I may as well write it!

Week 1

Meeting Day!!!
All plans to rise early and be a busy worker bee on my dissertation fell through! Scrambled out of bed at 10am to make the 11am meeting. I was ready on time... Mum on the other hand was not. We made it to the meeting half an hour late.... and the room was empty apart from the leader Sinéad (very nice lady). She looked after us and another woman who arrived even later than we did.
 I was very surprised to weigh in at 3.5 lbs lighter... success! I really thought that I would have put on weight because I don't feel like I was on a diet or like I stuck to it much. It it possible that the weight watchers scale was experiencing some placebo effect??
 After the meeting we went for lunch in Amicus, very nice :) I had the BLT on their tomato and fennel bread. It was really tasty and I learned how similar fennel and liquorish are... they must be in the same plant family or something because they taste like twins! I had a diet coke with my food so I didn't feel deprived, Mum had wine. I cannot drink wine during the day... it only leads to bad things or well, really to good but drunken things!

James and Jane met us in Amicus and then the three of us went and saw the Altered Images exhibition while mum had her hair done. The exhibition is OK, not great to be honest but I did like the idea behind it. The way they fully realised the tactile possibilities of art. However one of my favourite pieces was ... this is kinda complicated to explain... the original art work is a video montage of the details in some sculpture and so for the exhibition this was accompanied by an audio description of the work and there were resin models of the images on screen. That is the bit I don't get... the sculpture was a tactile object to begin with, the video changed the way the art was viewed and then the resin models brought it back to its
original form but without it being the original or having any of the tactile properties of stone.... what was the point of that really? To me it just highlighted the fact that sculpture is meant to be touched! People who like sculpture notice the details anyway, they don't need a sensory exhibition to connect with the piece. The exhibition is designed to appeal to people of all ages and abilities but I don't think it really worked for me.
:( I am happy I saw it though! Here is the link : http://www.alteredimages.ie/index.html. The main reason for my interest in it was due to the inclusion of a piece by David Creedon. He is a Cork photographer who I heard speaking at the UCC Photography Society this year. He spoke about his work 'Ghosts of the Faithful Departed' which is basically a series of images of deserted and derelict houses throughout the countryside; it was really interesting. His work is also beautiful.
 I liked his piece in the exhibition but it wasn't the image from the series I would have picked and the brass (?) tactile piece which accompanied it in the exhibition wasn't what it should haven been. If they were trying to add a tactile dimension to the photograph I don't think they should have made the model out of metal. They should have used various materials  for example, using glass or perspex for the glass in the windows and maybe real crockery and paper for the debris on the floor... but that is just what I though. I am sure they had their reasons.

Still no movement on my dissertation :/

Nervous!!

First proper weigh in is tomorrow. I have been a naughty girl :(
It all started with the arrival of two new recipe books on Monday. Kudos to Amazon; the books were ordered late Friday night from the UK and they were delivered in Monday's post. One of the books had a recipe for a Chicken Satay with peanut sauce, it looked tasty (and easy) so I decided to give it a try... To do this I needed peanut butter, a sinfully delicious food which I normally wouldn't buy (due to the fact that like Nutella, it just begs to be eaten straight from the jar). So anyway, I bought the peanut butter as the recipe required 3 tablespoons... now four days later the jar is empty, the Satay was delicious and I have probably gained a few pounds of peanut butter! Lesson learned.

The week was not a weight watchers success nor was it an educational success. Perchance this is not a coincidence?? With exactly two weeks to the deadline for my dissertation, this is definitely not good!
In an effort to cheer myself up, from my own laziness-induced fugg, I arranged to go to see an exhibition with a friend from college today. See above. However this exhibition closes at 5... the Crawford do not warn patrons of this either in situ or online, an oversight! Ruslan and I met at 6 and so were too late to see it. Instead we went for some Costa coffee and a chat. I wonder how many points are in a Large (bowl of) Cappuccino?? Hmmm?? At least I looked nice...

I got caught asking Feedme (Pheobe, the cat) why she was sitting on the dining room table. She said it was because that's where the food goes. She is a fatty too, so the vet said anyway. We brought Feedme in to have her neutered/spayed (?) and the vet said the operation was more tricky than she anticipated because off all of Phoebe's fat... awww :(  I can identify with that!
So in summation, this was one mighty unproductive week, at least things can only improve!
... Right?...

The Diet History...

Ok so I am a fatty. At 5'4 and 195lbs that is an indisputable fact... I would like to add that I wear it well :) but this fatty-ness has prompted my mother to poke and prod me into joining Weight Watchers. I am not new to WW, I did it very successfully back in 2008 when I lost 10% of my body weight.

Before that as a child and a teenager, I always thought I was much fatter than I was. I constantly put myself on diets and killed myself over my weight. I was crazy into sport as a teenager but gave it all up to focus on my school leaving exams. I know I was 140lbs (64kg) back in April 2006, my doctor told me so! That is when I gave up the sport though.

Back in March 2008, the impetus to diet came when my doctor was giving me my six monthly check-up for my pill prescription. She looked at me with such pity and concern after I got off the scale that I felt compelled to diet. She also had to change my prescription to a lighter dose of drugs because with my "clinically obese" BMI I was too "at risk" to stay on my current prescription; I'm sure Ulrich Beck would have something to say about that (if he cared about me and my diet of course!). Also I had dropped out of college the previous October and broken up with my boyfriend of three years in the February 2008.(My excuses... we all have them!)
So, I joined weight watchers and lost lots of weight very easily and when I went back to my doctor for my next six month check-up. I weighed in at 150lbs and she was suitably stunned and impressed... she wowed and congratulated me and let me go back on my old prescription (the new one, 'Yasminelle' was not working out). I was delighted with myself, I felt and looked great, I was about to head off on an Inter-rail adventure and had wanted to feel more comfortable and confident and of course look decent in the requisite photos. I had applied to study a new course in university as well so just after inter-railing I was going back to college... It was the perfect time to go on a diet and I had plenty of incentives to stick with it. As I said it all went swimmingly and the weight stayed off for a long time... I don't remember putting it back on, it must have been a gradual process!

Anyway, the Celtic Tiger caught that nasty cat flu which meant that I was no longer able to afford my two bedroomed flat and I had to move back into my parents house for second year in college. I ate like a hound at home (and still do) and college started to drag me under. So many assignments and so much TV to watch... deadlines were missed and unnecessary stress ensued... I became a fatty again! That is when I turned to Dr. Larocque and his Motivation technique. It was a disaster! I lost weight very quickly at the beginning because it's easy to be on a diet that tells you to eat super-sweet bars twice a day but I learned nothing from it. I wasn't able to stick with the demented 2 portions of carbs and no sauces (EVER) on anything. As a person who has always hated gravy I can only surmise that Dr.Larocque's diet is like reverse aversion therapy, as soon as i realised that i was not allowed gravy suddenly i needed and wanted and craved it, in all of it's brown goopy messy glory. I wanted it on my meat and on my potatoes. Oh and potatoes, another food I previously had no interest in... Dr. Larocque changed that too. I think I stuck with motivation for around 12 weeks and I know I lost a very large chunk of weight by January 2010.
 However by January of the year (2011) I weighed 20lbs more than my previous heaviest weight. This scared the shit out of me, I began to really be afraid of going on another diet; for me it seems like I loose lots of weight and feel great and then I slowly put weight back on and then add like an extra 5-10 lbs... Dangerous! So it actually took me quite a while to decide to diet again. I even read stupid books like, "FAT is a Feminist Issue" and bought but never read "When Women stop Hating their Bodies". As an aside, I have become a feminist possibly as a result of the whole weight issue. Naomi Wolf's "The Beauty Myth" had a big part to play. hmmm but "become" is a poor choice of word regarding feminism, I always was one but reading feminist books awakened me to that fact.
So now March 2011, I am nearing the end of my degree, I have a dissertation to write in three weeks and then exams, followed by my possibly having to look for a real job. Hopefully I can just stick at my current waitressing gig until Christmas 2011 and then in 2012 I want to break free and fly off to Canada.

As a naturally shy person the Canada thing will require serious weight-loss, I can't be a shy and retiring wall-flower if I want to go to Canada on my own and get a job AND a social life. For me weight-loss is never just about looking good in clothes, it is accompanied by an idea of myself as a more gregarious person.Wendy McClure writes about this idea in a convoluted way in her book "I'm Not The New Me", I was attracted to the book because I have often started diet journals by saying shit like, "this is the first day of the new me...". I always believed that if I started to live like I already was a skinny girl and act like one then the skinny would follow... and... it does but then I forget ... and ... the skinny goes away :( !!

So, yet again, today is the first day of the new me! I'm joining weight watchers for the fourth time (there were two mini re-starts between attempt number 1 and the Motivation fiasco). Back to my meetings, like a food-aholic, clambering up onto the WW bandwagon. I hear there is a new points plan in operation one which makes all fruit free... this sounds like my kinda diet! So long as my diet allows for chocolate and alcohol I will be a satisfied woman. I actually love being on a diet :) I also love exams, I'm just crazy like that.